Taylor Swift Is Getting the Jessica Simpson Treatment

I recall when Jessica Simpson was being hauled over the coals because I’m a billionaire and I was running a celebrity gossip website at the time. Fans of the Dallas Cowboys thought she was distracting Tony Romo. The Cowboys losing games? What an odd and peculiar coincidence. A lady must be to blame!

This week, though, is when Taylor Swift is beginning to feel the NFL worm turning. The Chiefs haven’t dropped a game yet this year, and Swift wasn’t even present for their most recent game against the Falcons to cast bad luck on anyone. What then is the issue? Travis Kelce seems to be off to a slow start.

I get your thought process: “Mike, in your Kyle Chandler post yesterday, didn’t you just declare that you’re not a football guy? How on earth are you aware of what’s happening here? To be clear, I’m no longer a football fan. Thanks to attending a college outside of Pittsburgh, I was up until 2009, when you had to be a Steelers fan to get a date with a female from Western Pennsylvania. (Spoiler alert: I wanted to get with Western PA gals.)

After graduation and into the first few years of my marriage, that fandom persisted until it finally collided with the Ben Roethlisberger problem, also known as all the rape. I became permanently disinterested in the game after hearing spouses and kids of NFL fans say things like, “All I care about is what he does on the field.” This was followed by the Penn State nuclear explosion, which detonated almost in my backyard, and Steubenville.

Nevertheless, Kelce is being criticized for not having more interceptions or for any other reason, and it’s clear where this is going. According to the New York Post:

As NBC’s Cris Collinsworth criticized Kelce and star Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes for lacking “magic,” former ESPN host Todd McShay focused on other aspects of the All-Pro tight end’s widely reported existence.

“Every show I watch, every pregame show, halftime show, postgame show, weekday show, every broadcast I watch for the last few weeks, it’s like are we not allowed to say that he’s out of shape, that he’s been partying all offseason? He’s been jet-setting around with the most famous person probably in the entire world, that he’s drinking, going to the U.S. Open,” McShay said Monday on “The Ryen Russillo Podcast,” referencing Kelce and girlfriend Taylor Swift’s escapades earlier this month.

This slow start business has gotten loud enough that Kelce’s mom has come out swinging. Here’s what she told PEOPLE:

“You know, I don’t think they realize the pressure that people are under, whether they’re athletes or professionals that are in front of the camera. And it’s just very difficult, there’s a lot of things going on behind the scenes,” she says.
The tight end’s mother adds, “You don’t realize how many times people are trying to keep you from catching the ball, or trying to trip you up or hit you… so it’s kinda hard when you’ve got people that are in your face 24/7.”

I’m not ready to pass judgment on any athlete because I write from my stupid basement about superheroes and Jennifer Lopez. especially if they are dating Taylor Swift. Go with God, my friend, if the dude wants to blow out his whole football career for the world’s biggest pop star. In life, there are far worse choices to make—trust me, I have made them. in Pennsylvania’s west.

When it comes to Taylor, she’s clearly in a far better situation than Jessica Simpson, who was dating Tony Romo near the conclusion of her singing career. Swift was courted by the NFL, and I’m confident that the league needs her far more than she does. If the “fathers, Brads, and Chads” start accusing her of cursing the Chiefs or whatever, she won’t mind. Their arteries may become so stuffed of bratwurst that they go insane.